Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
