She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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