Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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