I will die if light touches me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
