i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
