Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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