I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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