While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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