Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
