OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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