1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm lost and stupid without you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
