i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
