Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
