My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
