Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
please come you make the beer taste better
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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