did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
