I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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