I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize