What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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