the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
