no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
