is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
