I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it's like iHOP with fire
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
