I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
