how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
