I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
