end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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