I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
