so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
