Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
