We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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