Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is the high leading the old right now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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