You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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