My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i now understand why vodka
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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