I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
