im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
