i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
