Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
