take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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