The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize