Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
