This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
