i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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