Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
