On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
