i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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