You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize