My nipple is on Facebook.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
