My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
