I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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