I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
