So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
