ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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