remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
