I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
