EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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