How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They took my balls.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
