Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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